11 April 2016

'Batman Vs Superman': The Original Script

The original script of 'Batman Vs Superman':

* Once upon a time, there was a woman. She had two sons. Son1 was 100% good and Son2 was 99% good.
* Then Son1 and Son2 got separated. They grew up separately.
* Son1 and Son2 become Hero1 and Hero2. Both are good guys. So both spend their time beating up bad guys.
* Hero1 meets Girl1, who (like him) is 100% good. Hero2 meets Girl2, who (like him) is 99% good.
* Enter Villain, who is (of course) 100% bad.
* In the course of their pastime of beating up bad guys, both Hero1 and Hero2 run into Villain.
* But Villain is smart. So he pits Hero1 and Hero2 against each other.

Villain: Hero1! Main ne tumhari boodi-andhi-behri-goongi maa ko kidnap kiya hai!
Hero1: Kya! Kyon?
Villain: Agar tum usko zinda dekhna chaahte ho, to mujhe Hero2 ka laash chaahiye!
Hero1: Nahin! Main saari duniya kho sakta hoon! Lekin apni boodi-andhi-behri-goongi maa ko nahin kho sakta!

Hero1 goes to beat up Hero2. They beat up each other (a lot).

Enter Girl1 and Girl2:
Ruko! Tum dono gadhe ho! Aur Villain ne tum dono ko ullu banaaya hai! Tum dono dushman nahin ho! Tum dono ek hi maa ke bete ho! Tum dono bhai ho!
Hero1: Bhai!
Hero2: Bhaiya!
Hero1: Mujhe maaph kar do!
Hero2: Mujhe bhi maaph kar do!
Hero1: Chalo hum us kutte-kameene Villain ka khoon peete hain, aur hamaari pyaari maa ko bachaate hain!
Hero2: Haan, chalo bhaiya!

Hero1 and Hero2 go to Villain, beat him up (a lot) and save their mother.

Hero1: Maa!
Maa: Beta!
Hero2: Maa!
Maa: Beta!
Girl1: Maa!
Maa: Beti!
Girl2: 'Beti' nahin, buddi! 'Bahu' bolo!
Maa: Bahu!
Girl2: Mujhe bhi 'bahu' bolo!
Maa: Bahu!
Girl2: Ab buddi aayi line pe.

And then they lived happily ever after.


PS – Warner Bros has paid the following people an undisclosed amount to keep their mouths shut and not sue the studio (for copyright violation) :
* Salim Khan & Javed Akhtar
* Amitabh Bachchan & Dharmendra
* Jackie Shroff & Anil Kapoor

About the movie itself . . .
* Bruce Wayne is unshaven, fine. But why the hell is Alfred unshaven? I know Jeremy Irons looks sexy with a stubble, but...
* Wonder Woman fought in World War 1? Great! But why the hell did she pose for a group photograph? Helping mankind by promoting a new technology?
* Aren't Metropolis and Gotham City both supposed to be New York?
* And the Kryptonian spaceship obeys commands given in English?

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